Welcome to Ballie's Bad Movies page! Its
the same page as before but with a young
go-getter mascot to replace Socrates, who
has now been put out to pasture. Theres
a new movie review coming soon so keep checking
this page for updates.
Do you enjoy action films where the hero
is never in any real danger? Really? Well
how about fight scenes executed with the
same fluidity and grace as a first time
ballroom dance class? Oh, and are you cool
with only 3 pieces of music to accompany
an entire screenplay? Finally, do you like
films that are edited with the coherence
of video taping a TV show and occasionally
forgetting to turn off the pause button
after the ad breaks? If you’ve said
'yes' to all of the above then Low Blow
is for you.
in a cheap pharmaceutical store known as
Priceline, the stunning artwork on the cover
and the $3.95 price tag convinced me to
max out my disposable income budget on this
movie. Now let’s begin.
DVD begins with an ad from the DVD’s
distributor, Payless Entertainment Ltd
“Why pay more for your CDs and DVDs?”
- The graphics pose the tricky question…hmmm
yes. It’s an important question and
I'm glad they asked. After all, I'm only
10 seconds into this disc and glad I didn’t
spend an extra cent on it.
completely caught off guard when the main
menu loads up; what is that music? It seems
my TV set has channeled a Commodore 64.
And who the hell is that old man slinking
along the wall of the chicken shed? Where’s
the ass kicking muscle-bound giant from
the cover that motivated my purchase in
the first place? Wasn’t this going
to be a Mad Max (The Road Warrior) spin-off?
Apparently not. Just a flick about an old
hunchback Chinese guy with chicken poo on
While I was in my state of surprise about
being shafted, the film had started automatically,
which is a DVD authoring setting that most
competent developers turn off.
Still, mistakes happen. For example, if
you push “play movie” on the
Australian release of Terminator 3, it defaults
to an introduction of Arnie sitting in a
room: “Haiyee. Dis is Arnol Schwarzenegger
an welcome to the DeeFeeDee commentairly...”
threw that in to completely throw you out
of the moment and I think I have achieved
so you know we’re 300 words into this
review and we haven’t really talked
about the movie. But who cares! It's a cold
shitty day in Nagoya, my kiddies bike has
a flat tyre, Microsoft Word is insisting
I spell tyre as in tire, someone armed with
a hammer is smashing down the nearby love
hotel at 9am on a Saturday morning, so let's
just sit in front of the computer, read
about a $3.95 movie and like it!
plot involves some rich guy’s daughter
who cuts class and joins an ‘extremely
dangerous’ religious cult. The mind
warping leader can “utter a few words
to send his followers on a rampage of murder
and destruction.” Enter Joe Wong (Leo
Fong), an ex-cop who (“with the help
of five special underground martial arts
fighters”), is hired to rescue the
girl and destroy the commune in the process.
Sounds great? Pity only 30% of the
blurb is true. Allow me to describe the
film begins with an armed robbery taking
place in a sandwich shop. Oh, by the way,
everyone has stretched heads because the
film hasn’t been reformatted for television.
The cowering hostages cooperate while the
crooks maintain their insistence on waving
shotguns and yelling random threats. It’s
hard to make out what their saying as the
wailing guitar soundtrack drowns out everything.
Somehow, this yelling is audible to Joe
Wong, who hears the disturbance three floors
above the busy streets of San Francisco.
Joe takes his revolver down to the store
to “quiet things down” and showcases
his versatile acting range by posing as
a customer asking whether or not his “ham
sandwich is ready?” After sitting
down for a couple of seconds he casually
offers an “OK here’s your money”
and blasts the would-be thieves. To close
out the scene, he throws back his head and
says “hey…forget the sandwich”,
a dry cool wit that can only rival the likes
of Stallone in Cobra (I’ll get to
that one later).
after this scene is the worn out ‘the
chief is pissed off with the good guy who
uses excessive force but gets results and
saved a couple of lives’ cliché.
jump to the location of the Yarakunda cult.
Basically a farm with a dozen big haired,
flannel wearing teenagers, supervised by
an over the top woman who speaks every!...line!...as!...though!...it!...were!...her!...last!
The leader of the cult is this mumbling
guy dressed in a grim reaper outfit and
has the lenses of his sunglasses painted
black (ohhh!....he’s supposed to be
blind!). The DVD blurb says he’s a
dangerous killer with super mind powers,
but all he does is mumble bible verses in
a passive tone…BORING!!! Lets get
to the stupid stuff!
Joe Wong makes a rescue attempt and quickly
learns that he’s a little outgunned.
The compound is guarded by guys with M-16s
and ill fitting muscle shirts. So what do
you do? Call in the military? Hell no! Put
on a “TOUGH MAN CONTEST” with
$20,000 prize money and rally a bunch of
goons to your cause! If you’ve made
it this far into the film, you really don’t
care about the logistics of this.
from here the winners are recruited to go
and take on the cult. The catchphrase that
accompanies this film “the best weapon
is still your fist” is rendered useless
by Joe and his merry band of martial arts
bogans using machine guns to resolve the
matter. So of course they kick ass and drive
away in a van celebrating the fact that
they’ve graduated from moronic bar
fights and elevated themselves to killing
people with firearms. I could really go
on about this film, but you have to see
it to realise how unforgivably bad yet entertaining
this film is. Next!