Numerous trips to vending
machines in Japan have revealed
an alarming and TASTELESS trend; Lemon Cola!
Its friggin everywhere! In many cases, its
the only Cola in the machine, which leaves
you with only one choice if you're looking
for that cool, refreshing Cola taste - That's
right, an offer you simply can't refuse; find
another machine that doesn't have Lemon Cola!
OK, I admit this isn't exactly the kind of
thought that wakes me in the middle of the
night, but seriously, who drinks this shit?
Battered Fish and Corona beer are both outstanding
with lemon, but Cola? Lemon Cola is not exactly
a classic innovation in the tale of human
history; The meeting of Cola and lemon is
certainly one of the most mediocre unions
that could only be rivaled in years to come
when Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez horsed
about in Gigli (2003). And yes! I
did rent that film just so I could bag the
crap out of it, although my thumb got pretty
sore from holding down the fast forward button
for nearly the entire duration of that stink
1: This is not a new fad
Where were we? Oh...Cola!
How can you enjoy a product which tastes like
its been tampered with? My initial taste of
Lemon Cola reminded of me of some amusing
and thankfully sanitized footage from a reality
TV show by means of hidden camera footage
showing a guy getting revenge on his workmate
by taking a wiz in his coffee while he was
out. As long as certain reputable Cola companies
maintain that their recipes are secret, we
may never know what those secret ingredients
are. Oh well, the lowest point of this story
is still the Gigli confession!
Finally, why do leading brands churn out crummy
variations of a decent* thing? Because change
is good? Hell yes! especially in the case
of Lemon Cola, because after the public has
committed self abuse by learning how wretchedly
awful the new exciting fad is, then we can
can all celebrate the re launch of the original
slop, now affectionately labeled CLASSIC COLA,
as though its own weathering through all the
new fangled died-in-the-arse gimmicks has
promoted it to being nostalgic.
I swear, I will get to the bottom of the mystery
of the Lemon Cola and its vile exclusive presence
in vending machines abroad!
*decent, meaning addictive
without any health benefits and tasting slightly
less lousy than the new products.