Wizards of the Demon Sword

Rated "M" for Moronic Fantasy

Wizards of the Demon Sword...The title that Director Fred Olen Ray must've settled for when he realised his project was lacking Lords, Rings and Princess Brides...

...but he apparently had a Demon Sword.

Just to get the ball rolling, I'm going to be lazy and type out the informative blurb from the back of the DVD case which accompanies this hideously awful movie:

Travel back to the colourful and mystical age of evil wizards and black magic, into an enchanted land of ominous castles and dungeon dwelling dinosaurs.

Now, that's a nice blurb, and would seem appealing in a TV guide. However, here's the blurb I would love to see printed on the back of the cover:

Travel to a DVD store near you and buy this washed out, no budget shitbox for $2.95, that’s right! IT’S MORE EXPENSIVE TO PURCHASE A BLANK DOUBLE SIDED DVD than this entire film with its dazzling cover art (Fig 1) and enchanted cast of daytime soap actors and stock footage dinosaurs. Enter a land where dialogue and so-called great swordsmen act out swordfight choreography can only upstaged by watching kids on a trampoline swing at each other with pieces of PVC pipe (c’mon! we all did that didn’t we?)

To be a little more constructive, its obvious that the filmmakers set out to produce something that made fun of itself in places; in the same vein as The Princess Bride. The problem is, the jokes in this film are corny and idiotic, while the drama and action sequences are hilarious!

The film opens with our heroine (Melina) being pursued by three men on horseback. She unconvincingly shuffles along, somehow maintaining a speed to keep her at a distance from horses. Her overdubbed moaning gives you a sense of how tired she must be, while bad lip synch makes her appear to be a brilliant ventriloquist. Overlaying the dramatic events unfolding is some screechingly awful synthesizer riffs which are only second to the dialogue as the film's most prolific resource of garbage. Moments later, Melina must make a difficult decision, surrender to the henchmen (including a guy in an unnecessary gimp costume!) or jump off a cliff. She chooses the latter. The men rush to the location of where she had been not five seconds ago and pathetically scan the area..."She must've jumped"...."you IDIOT!!!!" Had the gimp leaned forward a little more and he would've seen Melina crouching at the bottom of the so-called cliff, which could only be about 10 feet high!

Suddenly, the suspense picks up again, with Melina being persued by the gimp and those other guys with beards. How? Wasnt she just hiding? She resumes utilising the moaning and stumbling technique which once again, fails to aid her in any escape, only to captured in a horsemen's net. The net is impressive, as it has the power to make actors trip over and entangle themselves with no logical explanation. Melina gives the audience some more laughs with the protest of “You bind a woman helpless and then call yourself a man?”…but the dialogue and action get better!

Enter Thane! An fearless warrior from a mystical age who has perfected speaking English with a North American ‘accent. In fact, he’s so fearless, that he’s instantly funny.

The laughs continue as Thane challenges the bad guys to a fight and unsheathes his sword; it's HUGE!...ITS IMPRACTICALLY HUGE! I’ve seen trains travel on shorter segments of metal! However, much like the practicality of the net, the sword is the perfect weapon. Bad guys just run into it and die!

Click on Ballie's Bullhorn to hear some memorable quotes from this film:

QUOTE 1: This is Melina, telling Thane about the growing power of the dark prince Khoura. Listen for the naturalistic intonation, this is a woman who is gravely concerned!

QUOTE 2: Thane and Melina are looking for a holy man and question an old guy whose sitting on a movie set comprised of the back of a truck and some floral bed sheets. Thane gets pissed off with the guy, pulls out his dagger and urges him to co-operate. One question, does Thane really carry a sack of dung with him?

QUOTE 3: The voice of Khora! This guy has the mascara plastered on and is attempting to give himself "eternal DARK po-wer" This scene is hysterically wooden, and makes this movie money well spent!

QUOTE 4: English Teachers take note! This is how the word "blood" should be pronounced...BLOOD-DAH!!! I NEEDAH!!!..Untainted bloodah! The reasoning behind this sorcery scene is so idiotic, and worth a look.

QUOTE 5: The Holy Man! A wise old wizard who...(insert record needle ripping sound!) Some relatively young guy wearing a ridiculous wig and speaking in a voice which sounds astonishingly like Bill Clinton!

This review could go on, but like a viewing of this film, it must stop before the end of the movie, there is only so much you can take. But hey! If you like laughing at god awful shit, a bit of nudity and that curious looking guy from The Goonies, this movie is for you.

OK, great, this is an independent film, but some autonomous clowns shouldn't be free to roam the earth with film equipment. After all the work, the crew can now add to their resume that their idiotic fantasy romp cost $2.00 in the bargain bin in supermarkets. Still, this film is highly entertaining and for all the wrong reasons. Here's some recommendations of movie titles that Wizards of the Demon Sword could've resembled if it was a little more polished...or sandblasted!