Ballies Bad Movies - helping you appreciate bad films since 2005

Dinosaur Babes - Soft Porn and Dinosaurs
A movie recipe for QUALITY VIEWING!

Hmmm, according to our webstats, many people are interested in DINOSAUR PORN! Maybe you've already visited that higher ranking page which has the video of the dude in the goofy Trex costume attempting to please a woman with his...er, rubber assets, but the movie in question here has some of that, but a lot more highly entertaining mediocrity on offer! If you've found this page with the sole intention of reading about Dinosaur Babes, disregard the above introduction and read on!

Firstly, Dinosaur Babes is a film that could easily be accused of being the illegitimate offspring of the Discovery Channel and a porno channel (I'll get to that in a moment). As an ex-pat currently living in Japan, I spied this triumph on the Tsutaya rental shelf; you can see below how enticing the cover is! Ignoring the early warning sign of cover surpassing the overall quality of film, I snatched it up and forked out some hard earned yen to have this movie in my posession...for a week.


In the beginning...There was MONGA Below is the US version of the DVD cover.

The film opens with one of those eye catching announcements stating THIS FILM IS BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS, suggesting that the film was inspired by cave paintings of early man interacting with UFOs and alien life forms. I guess I’d be inclined to write a screenplay if a studio executive plonked a picture like this on my desk:

Hmmmm…maybe not. Regardless of whether or not the cave paintings depict actual events, IT IS an unfortunate fact that this film DOES exist. I'm sure that the cave men who did the original “doodling” would be thrilled about their legacy…let's get to the story…

Basically, a bunch of dinosaur skin clad female warriors raid a village and abduct the protagonist’s girlfriends for use as a sacrifice to their T-Rex deity; a very well preserved styrofoam T Rex which survived the cretaceous period and create this campy fusion The rest of the film is devoted to the heroes fearless rescue mission, random breast shots and jerky stop motion animation. The film's climax has the Alpha shaved chest blonde guy getting his hands on a laser gun from a crashed alien craft. By clutching the handgrip the gun somehow streams the entire manual on how to use the weapon into his head, enabling him to lock and load and save the day. I like the final scene which has the hero shouting "yeaaaah!" into the camera lens, seconds before the credits roll.

SOME HIGHLIGHTS:

  • Beating up aliens with sticks. I guess the story was in need of some action beats, so without any provocation, three aliens rush towards the heroes (and by "aliens" I mean three blokes who look like they've smeared cookie dough all over their faces) and have the lamest fight I've seen since Kylie Minogue's highly believable fight scenes in Street Fighter.
  • Cavemen grunt for the first few minutes of the film, and then rapidly develop American accents.
  • When in combat, Cave Ladies prefer to wear sneakers. Thats right! a funny goof in this film occurs in yet another lame-ass fight in which an extra gets accidentally caught in full frame wearing white sneakers...I guess its an accident; she's the only one wearing sneakers and its a busy scene...Perfect!...Print that...
  • The Tyrannosaurus Rex C'mon! Was this prop stolen from a Natural History Museum?! I've seen mouldy vegetables in my refrigerator that looked more convincing as a dinosaur!
  • The Music: Visualise if you will, an in-depth discussion about the film's score that would've taken place, only to be interrupted by the films producer: "Hey! My kid has this computer program, and he can churn out a bunch of repetetive clangy hip hop shit that will really distract the audience from any belief in this prehistoric train wreck"...By the way, for a taste of the tunes, check out the sounds from the summary animation above.

I guess if the internet didn't’ exist, this film would be the perfect outlet for young boys in their time of sexual awakening, but thanks to the alarming accessibility of explicit material on the net, I recommend this movie to people who enjoy campy action with a splash of nudity!

If this film gives you either a sad sense of longing for a higher calibre dinosaur movie or more of the same crap, Ballie recommends the following titles:

 

Dinosaur Valley Girls. Like dinosaur babes, this flick features about two minutes worth of boobies and stop motion dinosaurs, bad acting. Bad dinosaur soft porn at its worst!
 

 Here it is with another stylish cover!
Sheesh! If only the Dinosaur Babes crew could've maxed out their $25 creature effects budget and achieved something similar to the dino production quality of the Jurassic Park saga. The crowning moment in DB is a ludicrous T-Rex roar which has been directly ripped off from Jurassic Park. Not only is this blatantly obvious, but the sound guys looped the roar. The result? A laughable scene with unexplainably bad sound effects...GREEGREEGREEAH!!!...what kind of crap is that?

With production of Jurassic Park IV in development hell, the trilogy may be all audiences will be watching for now.


 

If you love dinosaurs, then check out Walking with Dinosaurs, if you love laughing at lousy prehistoric dramas, rent Dinosaur Babes! Some people get frustrated that this series takes so much creative license with the behavior of the dinos, but a necessary liberty nevertheless, given the wildlife documentary approach.

The first five minutes of Dinosaur Babes starts with a similar attempt to get us up close and personal with the protagonists as does Walking with Dinosaurs, however, the legs quickly fall off the ill fated beast of a movie and it transforms into a mutation of Baywatch and Gumby.