Well campers – here it is, a genuine
recipe to create (or recreate) your very own Fuji
Rock Festival in the relative comfort of your
one room apartment.
First,
set up a tent (or arrange some plastic bags) at
least a 45 minute walk from your apartment. Be
sure to completely forget where you left it within
15 paces.
Return to your apartment.
Adjust
the temperature of your shower to luke-warm with
a mildly irritating flow. Fill the bathtub with
approximately 3 inches of dirt (you should work
on a consistency of something between chocolate
mousse and jam). This is achieved best by bouncing
up and down to Fatboy Slim or Ryoksopp for an
hour or two.
Buy
and don a cheap plastic rainmack –preferably
two sizes too small and already ripped around
the armpits. Proceed to enjoy being mildly sweaty
on the inside and completely drenched on the outside.
Place
your TV at the furthest possible distance from
the shower - whilst still in view (if you either
jump up and down or crane your neck in an impossible
position).
Invite
all of your friends and neighbors to share the
bathtub with you – as many as possible,
until you are unable to move without causing several
people to be either sexually harassed or aroused.
Ask
a friend to alternatively turn off and on all
of the apartment’s appliances and light
fittings to the tune of the music. They can also
adjust the strength of the shower, depending upon
how much they really like you.
Turn
up your stereo to full volume with your favorite
tunes (note: if its Cold Play give up here and
go to bed now). Between each album; either: go
to the nearest convenience store for food or beer,
but first, run up and down 4 flights of stairs
at least twice, then insist on queuing for at
least 20 minutes before you buy something. Invite
every person in the conbini back to your festival.
Upon return, knock on every door in the apartment
building and insist on searching their shower
for your friends before returning to your festival.
If,
by any chance, you need the bathroom walk to the
nearest highway construction area and find a port–a–loo.
Queue outside for at least one hour – at
which point, if you are a man, remember you have
a penis and go urinate against a bush. If you
are a woman, curse all men and their penises loudly,
queue for another hour and then attempt to use
the port-a-loo without breathing, looking, or
checking for a roll of toilet paper. Burst out
of the plastic contraption and run back to your
apartment.
Jump
up and down and shout loudly in your friends’
ears until you pass out in a pile of your friends,
mud, vomit and beer.
Wake
up several hours later cold, broke, hung over
and happy, wearing someone else’s shoes.
Congratulations
– you now have to find your tent.
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